On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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