hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
