dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
