Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
