does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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