the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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