made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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