My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
