is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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