My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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