I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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