Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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