Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
