I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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