kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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