So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
