if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
