I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
