When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
