It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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