I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
