so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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