I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I supernannyed him into submission
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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