there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
