I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
should my penis look like a turkey
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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