we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
