I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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