i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
