you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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