walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
