I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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