hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
