he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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