Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
a search helicopter?!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
