i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
