Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
