I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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