I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
