oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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