I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
