I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
