I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
