Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
