she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
