Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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