3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
