I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
