I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
