I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Even my vagina gasped.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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