hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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