the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
