She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
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we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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