if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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