sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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