Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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