Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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