the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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