one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
