Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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