i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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