Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
